


only know you love him when you let him go.

by steelatoms



Category: DC's Legends of Tomorrow (TV)
Genre: Angst, Crying, F/M, Family Issues, Feelings, Goodbyes, Hurt No Comfort, Introspection, Loneliness, M/M, Nate Leaves The Team, Post-Episode: s04e06 Tender Is The Nate, Spoilers, Starcrossed Lovers, dumb boys in love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-27
Updated: 2018-11-27
Packaged: 2019-09-01 05:03:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,800
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16758463
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/steelatoms/pseuds/steelatoms
Summary: Nate tries to leave without saying goodbye.  Ray won't let him until he gets to say how he truly feels.





	only know you love him when you let him go.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm so sad, nate pls don't leave for your snake of a dad

Nate Heywood was never much of a guy for a huge fanfare when he left, so after he agreed to spend one last night with the Legends, he attempted not to feel guilty when decided to sneak away in the middle of the night.

The pizza party was fun, Charlie looking like Amaya less so, but all he wanted was for it to be over with, the spiralling hole in his gut to be gone.

  
He’d miss this place.

He walked through the hall, glancing at the door that belonged to Sara, knowing that whilst it wasn’t really goodbye since he’d see her having various rendezvous with Ava, he’d dreadfully miss his Captain.

He thought of Zari, the sarcastic banter they’d engage in, thought of how, whilst they had known each other a short while, she had become a great ally and friend.

He thought of John, who he barely knew, but still somehow appreciated the company of, even if he had potentially traumatised his dad (his dad had already seen a number of his friends naked, which was really weird to think about).

Wandering past the office, he saw Mick asleep on a chair and couldn’t help but grin; he would miss this boneheaded lunk. The same boneheaded lunk that he knew possessed a great IQ, the one who would sacrifice his life for him.

He thought of Amaya, the woman he loved, and then thought of Charlie, his mind attempting to not blur the two, but even the way Charlie  _ smiled  _ reminded him of her and how it hurt like nothing he’d ever felt before.

Finally, as he crossed into the other corridor, shaking hand ready to open his Time Courier, he thought of Ray.

Raymond Palmer, the kindest soul he had ever known, the man who had saved his life on countless occasions, who had  _ given  _ him his powers, albeit accidentally. Ray was quite possibly the best friend he had ever had, the person in his life he cared about the most.

Throughout everything, throughout Amaya, losing his grandfather, he had been a constant, someone who Nate could relax with and complain to, someone who always was willing for a hug or to watch a movie, no matter the situation.

Being without Ray would be like losing a limb, but Nate knew he had to do it.

  
He had to grow up.

Even if it killed him, which is what it felt like.

_ “Come on, man.”  _ he mumbled under his breath, “You can do this. It’s not like you’re saying goodbye forever.”

Suddenly, just as he was about to open a portal, Ray’s voice stopped him in his tracks, “Going somewhere?”

Nate jumped, turning around,  _ “Jesus, Ray!” _

“You gonna tell me what’s up? Thought you were staying for breakfast, so you can say your goodbyes properly.” Ray looked his friend up and down, and Nate was happy that the rooms were basically all soundproofed, because the last thing he needed was for the rest of the team to also be staring him down with the sad puppy-dog eyes that Ray Palmer possessed.

Nate sighed, “I just… I was…”

“Leaving.” Ray said, “You weren’t going to say goodbye?”

Nate shrugged, “I said what I needed at the party, and-- and besides, it’s not like you won’t see me. You’re in the Time Bureau all the time.”

“Yeah, but you’re my best friend, maybe I just wanted a proper goodbye.” Ray seemed angered, an emotion that was alien based on his personality.

Nate could feel himself getting upset, and was desperate not to get emotional, “Look, man. I made a breakthrough with my dad, can’t you just be happy for me?”

“You think I’m not?” Ray asked, “Oh, trust me, I’m  _ delighted.” _

Nate was taken aback by the smarminess in Ray’s words, wondering if for a second, he and Constantine had traded bodies (and how cool that could’ve been, if not entirely disturbing).

He interrogated, “Look, man, what’s your problem?”

“I don’t have a--”   
  


Nate snapped, “Then why are you being such a dick about this?”

“Because I don’t want you to leave!” Ray cried, “And yeah, it’s selfish and stupid, and I’ll see you anyway, but after Kendra, on this ship, you were the first person I connected with.”   
  


Nate looked confused, “What are you talking about? You had Sara, you had Mick.”

“I… I just…” Ray sighed, then stepped forward, “I’m going to miss you.”

Nate gave a small laugh, and at Ray’s confused look, he reiterated, “I’m still going to be there for you, you big dope. Always.”   
  


“I know, it just isn’t the same.” Ray sighed, “I’d come with you, it’s just the timeline needs me and--”   
  


Nate cut in, “Wait, you’d come with me?”

“Yeah, but as I said, I can’t.” Ray frowned, “It just isn’t fair.”

Nate got closer to Ray, “I know, it isn’t. But we can still see each other, like Sara and Ava do. Wait, bad example, we’re not a couple. Are John and Gary still a couple? I don’t even know. I just… I’m going to miss you too.”

“About what you said.” Ray swallowed thickly, “About…”

Nate looked confused, “John and Gary?”

“No, about, um, about being…” Ray’s cheeks quickly turned scarlet.

It took a minute, but then Nate realised, “Wait.  _ Oh.  _ Crap. That makes sense. But Nora, what about Nora?”

“I care about her.” Ray admitted, “But I also care about you.” he stepped forward and reached out to touch Nate’s arm, causing the other man to realise just how close they were, “You’re my best friend, Nate. As you said, always.”

Nate blinked a few times, surprised, then looked up into Ray’s eyes, knowing it was a bad idea, knowing that his dad most likely wouldn’t approve (even though the man had been dropping hints about knowing about his sexuality since he was thirteen, even if those ‘hints’ were badly timed jokes) and knowing that if Ray died, somewhere in the timeline, he would never get the chance to say goodbye.

He’d lose another person to time, and he’d be broken again.

  
His grandfather, burning up in the atmosphere, indirectly causing his dad’s coldness toward him (though his hemophilia, he also blamed, for not allowing him to be the son Hank wanted, a toxic ideology).

Amaya, crying as they bid farewell on a sandy plane, his heart tearing out of his chest.

Nate couldn’t lose anyone else.

As if he could read his mind, Ray murmured, “It’s alright, you won’t lose me.”

“You can’t promise that.” Nate’s voice cracked a bit, and he could feel the tears coming, “Ray, I can’t.”   
  


Ray nodded, “It’s okay, I understand.”

“It’s not that I… I feel the same, I do.” Nate took Ray’s hand in his, “Maybe it’s best we don’t see each other.”   
  


Ray looked shocked at that, “Wait, what? What are you talking about?”

“Ray, if I lose you…”

Ray shook his head, “You won’t.”   
  


“You can’t promise that!” Nate cried, and felt the tears begin to fall.

Ray cupped his cheek tenderly, “Don’t do this, man. Don’t cut me out.”

“Ray…” Nate pulled away, “I can’t. I won’t.”

Ray’s lower lip quivered, “But I love you.”

Nate gasped shakily, turning to his friend -- he just  _ had  _ to hit him with the three words, didn’t he?

Unable to stop himself, Nate grabbed the back of Ray’s neck and pulled him down into a breathy, frantic kiss, that lasted mere moments, but was still powerful enough to reduce both men to messes as they reluctantly pulled away.

Nate rested his forehead on Ray’s chest, feeling the taller man wrap an arm around his waist as he bent down to inhale his scent. The embrace lasted mere seconds before Nate could finally pull away.

“I-I can’t.” Nate mumbled, “I can’t. I have to go see my dad, I have to go.”

Ray held his hand out in a plea, “Nate,  _ please.” _

“I can’t.” Nate turned around, opening a portal, “I have to go, I’m sorry.” he rushed as fast as he could through the portal, holding back a sob until he closed it behind him.

He collapsed to his knees outside Ava’s office, glad nobody was there except the inmates, all of whom were away at the other side of the base. He sobbed shakily into his knees for a few seconds, trying to bypass the war of guilt inside him before pulling out his phone and realising his dad had texted him.

The message read;

_ So proud of you for today son. See you tomorrow for dinner, your mom’s making spaghetti. _

Nate’s eyes flickered over his dad’s confession of pride, and whilst it didn’t alleviate any of the guilt or regret or sadness, he couldn’t help but feel like he had accomplished something.

*

Meanwhile, back on the Waverider, Ray found himself standing in the same spot where he had watched Nate say goodbye for almost twenty minutes, unable to move. By the time he had lethargically dragged his limbs back to his room, he could hear Constantine getting up for his ‘middle of the night drink’, which he couldn’t really differentiate from any other drinks, but that was John Constantine in a nutshell.

Ray laid on the bed and grabbed his mobile phone, considering phoning Nate, but not knowing if he’d pick up. He could still feel Nate’s lips on his, the taste of salt on his tongue as Nate wept.

Ray sighed shakily, and went onto his picture library, scrolling through a few of his selfies with Nate, grinning unconsciously at one where he and his friend were both pulling stupid faces, having the times of their life.

He wondered how this rift had formed between them, wondered when things between them stopped being platonic.

_ He didn’t know,  _ and it hurt, because he was supposed to be a genius, but was once again felled by something such as love.   
  
Anna, Felicity, Kendra, Nora, now Nate -- the universe wanted him to be alone.

Ray turned over, sighing as he felt tiredness grow over him, tiredness being both physical and emotional.

  
Soon enough, he fell into a fitful sleep, dreaming about what things could’ve been if he had realised his feelings sooner.

Some people claimed that all things tended toward chaos, but Ray didn’t want to believe that, he wanted to believe that in some universe, they had a chance, and they were happy.

They had to have been happy, it was too sad to accept that they were miserable in every universe.

Yet sadness and loneliness, Ray Palmer knew well. He knew both like they knew him, inside out, and for him, all things did tend towards chaos, because the universe never helped out a kind man.

And he and Nate would never be happy, it would seem.

**Author's Note:**

> kudos/comments are appreciated  
> there will be a follow up btw
> 
> follow my twitter @steelatoms  
> follow my tumblr @bisexualseg-el


End file.
